Juggalo brain defects linked to Monsanto GMO crop.

Juggalo brain defects linked to Monsanto GMO crop.

Scientists at MIT have found a startling link between a genetically engineered strain of corn and a brain defect commonly found in one of America’s most perplexing subcultures, the Juggalos. The study was conducted after cultural anthropologist James Winthrop noticed a dramatic correlation between the ICP fan base and what seemed to be devolutionary traits. His research pointed out “Many bizarre and disturbing tribal phenomena that are similar to the practices of early humans.” Amongst these he cites the use of the sounds “Wooop Wooop,” which can be used as a greeting, a mating call, a tribal identifier, and an indicator of pleasure. He also makes notes of their use of tribal war paint, shocking low IQs, little to no standards of living, and strange carnival oriented religious beliefs.

Winthrop speculated that the devolutionary traits exhibited by the Juggalos could have been caused by the massive epidemic of inbreeding and cultural isolationism amongst their ranks. While these elements could still be a factor, a team of scientists at MIT recently discovered a common brain defect shared by 48 of the 60 Juggalos that were tested in a recent study. Shockingly, this defect has a direct link to a certain Monsanto GMO corn crop used exclusively to create the High fructose corn syrup used to sweeten their favorite ceremonial drink, Faygo.

The strain of corn, CryIJ (1562), was one of Monsanto’s first attempts at creating a corn crop that was resistant to pesticides and could be broken down into high fructose corn syrup more efficiently. Soda company Faygo, looking for a viable way to produce soda cheaper than its competitors, signed a deal with Monsanto to have exclusive rights to the crop, and subsequently the cheaper HFCS it was used to produce. This was around the same time in the mid-90s that “rap” group ICP was gaining popularity. They referenced the soda in multiple songs and encouraged fans to not only drink the beverage, but to use it to bathe and to insert its containers into random bodily orifices. This encouragement, coupled with the remarkably cheap cost of the soda, resulted in an almost religious obsession with the drink by ICP fans.

fago bath big

The defect, which has been named Cerebral Hatchetosis, inhibits development in certain parts of the brain that deal with societal constructs like language and individuality, as well as decision making and pattern recognition. When two Juggalos with this same mutation mate, the effects are compounded in their offspring. F-MRI brain scans taken of the children of participants sharing the mutation revealed massive changes to their neurological structures. “These changes make their cerebral anatomy look much closer to what one would expect to see in early Neanderthals and even some primates,” explains Professor William Carswell.

Hatchetosis

These findings have massive implications for Monsanto, Faygo, and the Juggalo community. The Sardonic Observer has reached out to the CEOs of the aforementioned companies as well as ICP, and are awaiting comment. Is it possible there is a deeper conspiracy here with the goal of creating an army of demented brand loyalist who will buy anything they are told regardless of the quality? Keep your eyes peeled for the second part of our investigative report.

Trump revealed to be young Baron Vladimir Harkonnen

Trump revealed to be young Baron Vladimir Harkonnen

Donald Trump has become the presumptive presidential nominee of the Republican Party, and his take no prisoners attitude and shockingly innate grasp of the political realities of the world have made him a favorite amongst the drooling, insolent rabble of the country. While anyone who has seen trump speak could easily guess his position on immigration or his relative penis size, no one really knows what a Trump presidency would actually look like. Luckily for us, the visionary writer Frank Herbert saw Trump coming way back in 1965, and painted a prophetic picture of Trump’s future political legacy in his epic sci-fi series Dune.

Herbert probably knew Trumps name at the time, though through fear of a financially crippling lawsuit, thought it wise to change it to Vladimir Harkonnen. The name was created by combining Trump’s political Idol Vladimir Putin, real estate giant HAR, and the German word konnen, meaning power.

Just look at the Harkonnen banner, created to represent two tufts of orange hair arranged haphazardly to cover a deeply receded hairline.

Harkonnen_guidon_pennant.svg

Vladimir Harkonnen was also known to be addicted to surgical cosmetic procedures, many of which would result in skin infections. This would explain the eerie orange chemical glow Trump’s skin gives off, as well as the way it is seems to be draped over his skull like a damp paper bag.

DrumpfHarkonnen

So what can Dune tell us about a trump presidency?  Here is a taste of Vladimir’s Leadership style as described by the Dune Wikia:

Vladimir built upon the earlier success of his predecessors, gradually making House Harkonnen more successful through blackmail, subterfuge and treachery.

The Baron recognized efficiency and talent in people, and he has shown remarkable insight in knowing people. In addition to sadistic homosexual tendencies, Vladimir Harkonnen also harbored destructive personal inclinations.

As a leader of a Major House, Vladimir proved to be incredibly cruel, earning House Harkonnen its notorious reputation. He had no qualms in using widespread torture, murder and slavery to maintain power. The cruelty also characterized the way House soldiers and administrators handle subordinates and prisoners. And though he was generally cunning, his arrogance and intense hatred of House Atreides (Mexico?) proved to be his un-doing.

Yikes. Just imagine him giving a military general instructions on how to deal with the rest of the world.

 

Or better yet, his first appearance at a UN meeting.

Hell, maybe that’s your thing, and I’ll be the first to admit it would be pretty amusing. But after the shock value wears off and the intolerant musings of a disturbed egomaniac become the norm from our national representative, the only thing we will have left to feel is shame and regret. So when election day rolls around, heed the warnings of Frank Herbert and remember, a vote for Trump is a vote for Harkonnen.